Robin Williams and Depression

The disease that is Depression- for it is a disease-a chemical imbalance in the brain of either dopamine or serotonin, has taken yet another life. For all the publicity this illness receives, it is still vastly and chronically misunderstood. In my experience, when someone uses the word "depressed" or "depression," 9.9 times out of 10, the person using the terminology is having what all of us have once in a while: a bad day, week, or month. That is not Depression, with a capital D.

Depression is debilitating, and one of the reasons it is so misunderstood is that it manifests itself differently for each person. The demons (and every person who has struggled with the disease will use different terminology- in my case it is "demons" or a character, "crazy jack"), appear in different ways.  Yes, there are commonalities, including negative mood, persistent feelings of lack of self worth, lethargy etc, but still every sufferer will describe their experience differently. In my case, all of the aforementioned were true, covered with suicidal thoughts and planning, and a whole body ache that some days meant it took me 10 minutes to get out of bed, and the first thing after that was to take a fistful of painkillers to ease the ache.

Depression teaches you things. You learn about people: some will come at you with what I call the usual tautologies and catchphrases like "think positive," "say something positive, I dare you," "cheer up," and the biggest piece of bullshit of all "it's all in your head, get over it." What, are those of us who have dealt with the illness just supposed to flip a switch??

You will lose friends. That is fact. Don't mourn them-they either couldn't handle it, or they weren't meant to be your real friends in the first place. That is fact.

What is also fact though is that you will find people along the path who will be in your life for as long or as short of a time as they are meant to be, who, even if they don't understand, will empathize, who will guide you to modalities of support that are right for you, and who will provide the encouragement and support you need. In my case, the biggest support networks outside of my "inner circle" of best friends has been in the fitness/crossfit & yoga communities: with "communities" being the key word.

We cannot know what was going on in Robin Williams' head before he committed suicide-if, in fact that turns out to be the case. The word "choice" is bandied about in regards to suicide, as if he or any other mentally ill (yes, Depression is a mental illness) person were standing in a Ben & Jerry's shop choosing cookie dough over caramel chew chew, and debating whether they want gummi bears or sprinkles on top of their ice cream! Many people who are suicidal think they are worthless, or that they are a burden on others- or the pain is simply so bad and they feel so alone, they don't know where to turn. They just want the pain to stop. For it all to be over. Oblivion seems better than a lifetime of pain.

When mental illness still carries such a stigma and such a taboo, that to say you suffer from it is to
risk ridicule and ostracism, is it surprising that people suffer in silence? It sure isn't to me!

It needs to change. There needs to be a serious drive to educate people on what Depression actually is- those suffering from it need to be encouraged to talk about it- to professionals- they need to be able to not suffer in silence, and the idiotic stigmas around it need to fall away. They're not useful. To the contrary, they're brutally dangerous.

I found my way back- there are still days when I look over the abyss. But I now have the coping strategies lined up immediately ready for use- whether it's a phone call or email to one of my best friends, reading one of my favorite inspirational poems, a yoga class, a crossfit session, or whatever. Those who have helped and guided and mentored me have my eternal gratitude, wherever you are,
whether Boston, London, Melbourne and anywhere in between. You know who you are.

Many- as evidence by Robin Williams, do not find their way out. Their demons, tragically, win the day. That needs to change. It can only happen one person at a time.

With that, my favorite piece....

Out of the night that covers me,

      Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

      I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

      My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

      Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

      How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

      I am the captain of my soul.